Monday, May 21, 2012

God's Calling Plan

When last she spoke with God, he was bored with the usual blow jobs and anal sex. There must be more to it than this He lamented.

She sighed. Purposely loud so he would hear it. You invented sex. But now all you want is for us to reinvent it. You lazy bastard. You haven't created anything original since the platypus. And that was when you were high. And that animal is really quite sad. But I digress.

Sure, there's more to sex than blow jobs and anal. Don't we human beings certainly know it. We're a base and vile lot, if ever there was one. Eve likes Adam to cum on her tits and then Cain licks it off. Job was inside that whale for a reason. And Ruth, she liked to get freaky with the olive branch.

But God, I don't understand... why do you have sex? You're God. You're above all that. You don't have needs or urges. You can fart universes and piss tornadoes. Whom do you have sex with and why?

Darling, he said, don't be naive. Gods gets horny too. You guys aren't that interesting. I need something to do with all this free time.

Don't tell anyone, but I only listen to prayers from CEO's, super models and athletes. I just delete all the rest from my voice mail. There are way too many of you. You little fuckers are like bunny rabbits. Slow down for Christ sake. Literally. I'm God and I can't keep up.

Plus, my cell reception is terrible up here in heaven anyway. Most of the time I can't call you back even if I wanted to.